Health Fitness

4. Withhold Judgment
Parents of children with autism often field suggestions from friends, family and even strangers about how to parent or deal with their children. One mom wrote, “When someone says something to me about my parenting or [my] child’s behavior, I want to respond: ‘Are you offering to help me with this situation or are you just passing judgment?’”

How to help: It’s natural to judge others’ behavior, especially when it comes to something we care deeply about. But judgment clouds compassion and may preclude it entirely. When someone feels judged it’s hard to feel supported. If you want to help a friend, suspend your judgment and be accepting. Listen with your heart, not just your head.

3. Realize You Can Never Truly Know How Your Friend Feels
Pamela’s dad has been fighting prostate cancer for three years, but may die soon, which she has accepted. What she can’t accept are remarks such as "He'll be just fine!” The phrase that bothers her most? "I know exactly what you are going through." Pamela writes, “I want to respond with ‘No you don't!’ They don't know what I’m feeling, that I can't sleep through the night because I’m wondering if my dad is up also, that I cry wondering if he’s going to be here for the next birthday.”

How to help: When we or someone we love falls seriously ill, we may become more sensitive. We need the salve of knowing that others acknowledge the difficulty—and uniqueness—of our situation. Saying you know what someone else feels can trivialize their feelings. By saying, “I can’t know how you feel, but I can try to imagine, and certainly listen,” you show how much you care.

2. Ask Permission Before Offering Advice


“Promise” suffers from chronic pain and writes that well-meaning friends keep offering advice. “I am sick of hearing stuff like, 'If you exercised more, didn't eat this or ate that, you’d feel better.’ I can't make up my mind if it is because what they say is truly for my benefit or they just think that they know everything and I don't.”


How to help: All of us, but especially those going through tough times, need to feel understood and cared for. Though it’s natural to want to help by sharing your experience and instructing your friend, giving advice can come off as arrogant or uncaring. Your friend may feel overwhelmed and needs your acceptance more than anything else. Ask permission before you offer recommendations or issue warnings. That will prove that you both care about and respect your friend.


1. Let the Person Facing the Life Challenge Be Right
Jen has one child, who is autistic. At work, a colleague asked if she planned on having another, and Jen answered no, because she’s in her late 30s. The coworker insisted that it’s best to have two children, so Jen shared that their son is autistic, and since she and her husband work full time, they don’t want to enlarge their family. “My colleague told me that wasn't a good excuse for not having more children, as another child may be ‘normal!’” wrote Jen. “Wow!”

How to help: First of all, it’s not polite to pry. But if someone does ask a personal question, and learns private information that reveals that a colleague is hurting, it’s especially rude and may be wounding to hoist a challenge her way. Let the person going through the tough time be right. Don’t argue; it just adds insult to injury. Be extra kind and hold your tongue.

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Source: http://health.ivillage.com/slideshow/health/7_ways_to_help_a_friend_through_a_crisis/